Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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