I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
