i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize