My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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