Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
