I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
