Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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