Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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