I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
