Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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