I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
