When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
