Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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