I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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