I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
