Need sex. Gaining weight.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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