I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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