I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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