He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
