sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
