can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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