Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
