a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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