Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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