and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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