i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
