I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
