I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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