If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
