I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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