3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize