At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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