I haven't been this sober since birth.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
