Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
