ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
