my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
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