hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
