some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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