why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
