oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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