Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
