I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
