porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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