happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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