That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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