I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
