Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
