She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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