life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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