Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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