On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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