im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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