youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
