Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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