I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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