Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
