I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
