i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
